Cold

Ever been in a situation where you think you feel so close to someone yet so far…
Well, I just experienced it last night with my own family.
It was 12 noon on a Wednesday, when my Mother calls me and tells me some bad news. My god mother who had been suffering from colon cancer has been in ICU for the last few days, and that she may only have a few more days to live.
It came as a shock to everyone, as we weren’t informed earlier that the situation had gotten worst.
Albeit we (my family and I) see this side of the family once, maybe twice a year.. it’s hard to understand why someone with such a big heart, who has devoted her life to god, would be taken away… by the man himself.
So, I had just finished off my usual weekly meetings at the Client’s.
I didn’t know exactly what to do. So, I texted my future cousin in law, whom happen to be a friend of mine before I knew he was dating my cousin, He’d inform me that the situation was unstable, and to keep me posted.
An hour later, I receive a text… she had passed.
All these thoughts ran through my mind… as I picked up the phone to inform my family this… “Mom, Kai Mah just passed away, I received a text from…” Silence... and then a quick, please inform your sister about this whilst I call your dad came next.
We hung up.
I sat there, thinking I better finish as much work as I can tonight, as I may need to take an emergency leave tomorrow, or the day after for the funeral. I had things to prepare for a Monday meeting. We don’t have enough time to complete all the work for Monday. Who’s going to follow up on my work? Speaking almost like I worked on my own without a team.
But in actual fact, if it were the other way around, that someone else would have not thought three times about what’s going to happen if we don’t have the stuff for the Client cum Monday… and we also all know, the Client is going to make us go back and do more of their work for them anyway. They may as well let us make a decision for them, which they do at times.
Regardless, I’m losing my thoughts…
It was 7:45pm when I decided to leave work to go home.
My mom was home, waiting for my dad, we both sat rather quiet… not saying too much to each other as we were waiting for my dad to come home.
Minutes later, my dad returns. I was the first to see him, and greet him Hello. Just hello. Like it was a normal day in the week.
But what was I thinking. It was my dad, the man in my eyes who is this big, grown up man who works and plays golf when he isn’t at work... who loves his coffee in the morning, afternoon and evening… It was my dad who hugged my Mom and then broke down. I have never in my 29 years of my life seen my dad… cry.
It was at that moment, I felt so stupid that I should have given him a hug.
As the thoughts ran through my mind, my Mom sat by him, and I realized that I’m very distant. It’s like I am home but yet I am not.
Why was it so hard for me to feel, touch? They must have felt that I was cold and changed.

As I started growing up, I started to stay overnights at friends etc and eventually moved out of the house two years ago… I have become somewhat alienated, occasionally going back... rampaging the fridge, because it’s always full with goodies. But, I don’t really take anything.
In fact, I have started a habit, or become a custom if I may call it… to shop for myself. To look after myself.
I think I’m odd that way. I am strong yet I am weak. I say that I can live without love but on the other hand I live for love. I say that I won’t die if he left me, and that I can always find someone else, but in the back of my mind, I have these serious suicidal thoughts…like no one else will love you as much as I do, and vice versa.
Brings me to something somewhat true has told me. That no one in this world is worth dying for. That you would be retarded to end your life for some one, whom left you, hurt you.

“It’s not the children that you need to worry so much about... it’s the husband and their mother”. The children have all grown up, working and outside from the life they keep with their parents, they have another life.
But I can’t seem to think which is worst. Both situations leave you losing some sort of partner in life.
I’m a wreck, and I know that in some ways I put myself in this place. This cold lonely place. Perhaps I need to step back, and evaluate my life, and my priorities. I need to learn to separate what superficial happy times are with real times.

It’s 9:22am. God it’s cold today.